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Bitch-0-Scope Horoscopes – May 2011

Article by Janet Moon

Taurus May 2011

You are going to meet a smoking hot Virgo on May 9th, and that relationship is going to take off like an outhouse fire. By May 11th you two will be on a cruise down the Mississippi, and on May 15th you will be in Moline looking at wedding rings. On May 19th, your Virgo lover asks you to stop over in St. Louis to visit a little “speak easy” and meet their Aries friend… their “where have I seen you before,” “I know you’re my soul mate,” Aries friend. On May 21st you will jump the boat and head back to St. Louis, and on May 23rd, you and the Aries will be getting married with the rings you bought in Moline. Congratulations!

Gemini May 2011

As much as I hate to say this (because I really don’t like you), I see money and luck in store for you this month. On May 9th, I see you winning on a lottery scratch-off. You will take your winnings to bingo on May 11th and win the “cookie jar” drawing to the tune of 0. Then on May 16th you will decide to invest that 0 at the flea market on a bag of “magic” beans that you immediately take home and plant in your garden. On May 20th you will awaken to find a 6 foot tall 24 karat gold pumpkin in your garden. On May 23rd, Homeland Security will be confiscating your pumpkin and arresting you for possession of Taliban seeds. (Well… maybe you will have a little more money than luck this month. hehehe)

Cancer May 2011

Mothers’ Day — Smother’s Day! Bah Humbug! The kids will be calling, but they will be wanting money. After a couple of cocktails, you will finally get the courage up to call your mother and spend an hour listening to her criticize and berate you. After that you decide enough is enough… you will be packing your backpack and running away on the night of May 11th. You will arrive in Honolulu on May 15th. Enjoy the change of scenery while you can, because the rest of the family will be arriving on May 22nd. But, never fear, you will be taking an early flight home and spending Memorial Day ALONE! (Unplug the phones!)

Leo May 2011

You ARE the leader of the universe, and the masses will be following you throughout the month. That is… all except for your boss… that stubborn Capricorn. Everyone knows the company cannot run without you, but your boss is still going to insist that you work even harder than everyone else. But, that won’t hurt YOU any. A secret admirer in the office (a Cancer) is going to quietly take a huge stack of your work over to her desk on May 2nd. Its all going to work out very well until May 20th, when that Cancer gets arrested for identity theft. Things will get a little scary on May 22nd when they bring in a Pisces from corporate to fill in for your Cancer admirer, but don’t panic. It will only take a few compliments to get that Pisces eating out of your hand. The boss will be giving you that raise you want on June 1st.

Virgo May 2011

How can anyone as picky and as bitchy as you ever find happiness? Well… its going to happen this month! Be sure to keep your video diary up to date, because no one is going to believe you when you tell them about this later. Your lover will finally and completely transform on May 9th and start doing all those things you’ve been telling them to do for the last decade. On May 11th you will be promoted to your supervisor’s position at twice the salary. On May 16th, while you’re running the sweeper, an angel will manifest in your living room and infest you with a divine parasite that will keep you healthy no matter how much you smoke. Then on May 20th you will receive the gift of perfection. People will finally admit the truth… You are ALWAYS Right!… On May 31st, you will be uploading your video to You Tube. (Be sure to send me a link.)

Libra May 2011

Your lover will call sometime during the first week of May with some very good news. Their spouse is going to be out of town for Mothers’ Day, and they want to spend the weekend with you. And, the best part is… the spouse will come home early, and you two will get caught on Monday, May 9th. Then, your lover will get to live with you full-time! On May 11th, the “psycho” spouse will be filing restraining orders against both of you, and on the same day you’re going to will a brand new truck on a television game show. Your lover will propose marriage on May 16th, and you will be picking out an engagement ring on May 21st. Your lover will come home very late and very drunk and get sick all over your new sofa on May 22nd. Don’t get too upset. Your Aries ex will be calling on May 23rd, and I see a hot Memorial Day weekend for the 3 of you.

Scorpio May 2011

You are going to get your Mothers’ Day present early this year, even if you aren’t a mother. All of your nurturing and mothering efforts are going receive a very sweet reward on May 2nd. That’s right, the universe will be sending you a new pair of sole mates to cover your feet. Too bad, you’re going to lose them in the creek on May 7th. Don’t fret, sweet Scorpio, because you are going to finally get to show everyone just how smart you are on May 20th and 21st. Yes, the alien’s will be invading then (just like you predicted), and your frequency modulated electromagnetic pulse generator is going to work. You will be all over the news world wide for a week, until some idiot in China claims it was all just a virtual invasion simulated on the new I-China network. (I guess that dream about Chairman Mao wasn’t actually a dream either.)

Sagittarius May 2011

You, and Mom, and Mom’s Aries boyfriend are going to win big at the casino on May 1st. I hope you read this forecast in time and go, if not… hahahaha. There will be more opportunities on the Canadian Census Day. I don’t see any more windfalls, but I do see a hot, blond, blue eyed Canadian on your chat screen. The rest of the month you will be trying your best, but still running one step behind the pack. Keep smiling, little Sag, because there are magical mystical tours coming in June, and YOU will be the guide!

Capricorn May 2011

You could be scrambling for money as this month begins, dear Capricorn. Can you believe it? The landlord is actually going to want you to pay your rent on the 1st. Hang in there. Mom is going to be unexpectedly nice and give you money for Cinco de Mayo. Life should be close to normal until May 23rd, and then “Murphy” is going to get you. From May 23rd through May 28th, every idea you get, every project you attempt, and every word you speak will turn to chit! Just keep on cussing and keep on kicking, little goat, because you cannot be beaten. I see a new job, a new lover, a new home, and some new friends for Memorial Day.

Aquarius May 2011

You’ve been so concerned about world news and the royal wedding that you have totally blown off all of your friends. And, now as May begins, you wonder why you are sitting home alone. How does it feel listening to voice mail every time you call? Now you know how we felt! I know you walk alone, and you don’t care what other’s think. But… after a couple weeks of Facebook posts and no comments, you are going to find yourself bouncing off the walls. On May 22nd you are going to do the ultimate, and get dressed, and go out… to the neighborhood tavern. The cops will arrest you that evening for playing your tuba on your ex’s lawn. Well… at least you’re not alone in jail.

Pisces May 2011

Beware of homicidal females on May 4th. (That includes ALL of the psychic bitches, except for Iceman. Its okay to go to his chat.) If you heed my advice and live till May 5th, then nothing will happen… That is until around Monday, May 9th. You will be performing from May 9th through the full moon on May 17, so you may want to dust off the book of shadows and polish up the magic wand beforehand. Then like all overworked social workers, you will collapse into a coma over the weekend of May 21st. I see a Sagittarius contacting you over Memorial Day with a job offer in the left ring at Barnum and Bailey. Get out the pink tights.

Aries May 2011

You are going to win the lottery on May 1st, so be sure to save back a dollar from your welfare check. And… your luck won’t end there. On May 11th you are going to meet your next landlord, and he will say its okay to move in without any deposit. Then on May 20th, you and your 2 cretin friends, during your monthly rite of guild ritual, will be conjuring up the biggest demon yet. The landlord will be booting you and your demon, Fred, out on the street on May 25th. But, what the hey? At least he didn’t call the priest.

About the Author

Bitching Blaze is a fictional character and resident Astrologer at PsychicBitch.com where you get absolutely free psychic readings and the absolute truth. http://www.psychicbitch.com/